|
The rain slowly drizzles outside my window as the storm is just beginning.
The sound of cars driving by and through the puddles keeps me awake at the hour of midnight. The wind blows through the trees,
stirring the leaves softly. The sound sooths me and keeps me calm.
I pull the blanket up to my chin for warmth
and I rollover to my left. I stare out my window, thinking. I watch the rain slip down my window, blurring the outside images.
Slowly but surely I finally fall asleep.
In my dream it’s dark and cold. All I’m wearing
is my new dress that someone had bought for me. It’s purple that only comes down just below the butt, but the see-through
covering reaches to the ground. I look around me but I still see nothing. My world is shrouded in black and I’m alone.
I feel like I’m in a void in space. There’s nothing around me; no lights, no sound, nothing to even smell. I close
my eyes hoping that when I open them something will be there.
Slowly my eyes open and I see a dim light.
The air around me has stiffened and became heavier with moisture and heat. Looking around me I see that I’m standing
in the middle of a garden of roses. The bushes are low, barely even reaching up to my knees. Looking around I see that everywhere
I look there are bushes of roses with random paths leading here and there; like a maze. I lift my face to the sky and see
dark grey clouds swarming above me. Slowly but surely I feel the rain fall; quickly soaking me. Bringing my face down again
I realize I am soaked from head to foot; my hair dripping and water slipping down my cheeks and chin. Looking around for shelter,
but finding nothing but an old willow to my right. Running to it as fast as I can, with the rain coming down on me and the
wind picking up a bit. I finally make it the tree and stand there in wonder.
What am I doing here? How did
I get here? How do I get out?
In the real world the rain comes down harder and the wind blows fiercer.
The branches of the trees bang against my window, scratching it to. Shadows roll across my walls and ceiling from the car
headlights. I roll over to my other side and continue with the strange and unusual dream that I was having difficulty trying
to figure out.
A small noise escapes from behind my lips. A weight bears down on my bed beside me and a hand
gently moves my hair from my face; a soft kiss softly graces my cheek. Your presence comforts my sleeping form.
From under the willow, I begin to think; of you and our love. At times you and I have our problems and our small arguments.
We always manage to get passed them and feel happy later, but I know deep down there are feelings that linger. Feelings that
want to be shared, that want to be heard; maybe not from you, but from me the feelings want to escape past my mouth and into
the world to the ears that will listen.
When I ask you if you’re ok, I want to actually feel that you are. That
I didn’t say anything to upset you…like I usually do. I love you and I often hate myself for saying what I do
and I wish that at times that I know what I can say or not say. I hate it when I upset you. I know you tell me that you are
ok and not to worry, but when I know that you are upset, I can’t help but worry.
My thoughts continue on as my eyes
blankly look over the garden of roses, the beautiful red roses. The only color I am able to see. The color of love and passion.
The color of intimacy and care. The roses bringing back other memories.
The day when you gave me a single rose, to me it
seemed more passionate, secretive, caring, loving, and admiring. The softness of the petals, the sweet aroma of the budding
flower. The day you gave me the single rose, I will never forget. My day had gone bad and I was upset. You wanted me to be
happy, to feel better. So you came over with it as a surprise. A smile slowly forming on my face as I remembered that day.
In the real world, away from the dreams, you slip your around my waist and lay down beside me. A smile
forming on both of our faces. My body shivers and you pull the blanket up further on me. It must have slipped down as I had
turned over earlier. I flip over, this time facing you but yet still not awake. You watch me quietly, lost in your own thoughts.
The rain begins to slow slightly, but still a bit heavy. The wind though is calmer and I am not as cold as I was. Warmth had
blanketed me and I feel safer in this unusual place. As I wait out the storm, I think some more.
Recently
we have taken another step in our relationship and everything that has happened has made me truly happy, but again those deep
hidden feelings appear once more. I feel as though I leave the impression that what has been happening is all that I have
been seemingly wanting. Like a prostitute under the dim light of a street lamp waiting for a depressed man to drive her way.
Like all I want from us is nothing but…
I apologize soundlessly to you, not realizing or caring that you are unable
to hear me. My heart races as it wishes to be able to take every word that has been said, every thought that has been thought
away and leave nothing but peace and happiness. Though I regret nothing that has happened, I still wish that my impression
was different.
A tear trickles down my face and it mixes with the rain. Collapsing from the pain in my heart,
I cry little bit harder. The wind picks up again and the rain is blown hard in my face, forcing my hair to whip around me
in sharp movements. The ground around me turns muddy as the rain combines with dirt. My dress is now covered in mud, but I
don’t really notice and if I had I wouldn’t have cared.
My thoughts begin again and the pain strikes
me through. I do not wish to give you the wrong impressions. I do not wish to cause you to be upset. I love you with all of
my heart and I wish only for the best moments in our relationship. I do not wish to make it feel that I am pushing you away
or me sometimes feeling that you are pushing me away. My heart and soul tear as it realizes that you are not hearing the apologies.
That you are not here right now to see how much I love you.
I change my thoughts as I remember all the good
times. Like you laughing when that kid threw the snowball at me. When we threw the popcorn down each other’s shirts
at the theaters. Or when we took your sister to see the movie and you joked around with her and I, making us smile. When you
would lay down with me and just stare at me and smile, when you rested your head on my chest and left me to wonder what you
were thinking or trying to hear. When you kiss me so softly that it feels so much like a dream.
Or when you
tell me it’s alright when I know it may not be.
In the real world, my eyes begin to tear up and
teardrops slowly trickle down my cheeks and dampen the pillow. My breathing becomes faster as if I were running. You wipe
away my tears and whisper sweet words into my ear as you try and calm me down.
The rain is now at a drizzle
and the wind is almost gone. The clouds have almost turned white. I slip back into my thoughts. My mind again wonders back
to the happy times. Like the hour long phone calls at night, those silly playful arguments that cause us to laugh at each
other in the end. Those moments where we are just lying with each other on your couch and watch the movie. Or the time I spent
with you for your birthday at my house. Or when I accidentally shifted your tooth, but both of us ended up laughing about
it in the end.
My heart no longer feeling pain, but instead extreme joy, happiness and peace. The rain has finally stopped
and the wind is at a cool breeze, making it feel like a warm summer day. I smile softly to myself and stand up looking all
about me. The dew drops on the roses make the sparkle and the scent of them rises to my nose and I am calmed and relaxed.
The clouds have parted and have finally disappeared. The moon is out and it glistens in the night.
The scenery
and the moon, the most gorgeous thing I had ever seen.
You pull me closer as you see now that I am fully
tranquil and in a restless sleep. You kiss my cheek and lay your head down next to mine; falling asleep quickly.
I walk out from underneath the willow and back into the maze of rose bushes. My vision slowly burs and everything is gone.
Everything around me is black again. Black and quiet. No breeze, no beautiful roses and the moon, no sweet aroma; just the
nice warmth that blankets my skin.
I open my eyes slowly and the first thing I see is your face and on
your face is a soft and gentle smile. A smile that makes me happy to see. I lean forward and kiss your lips gently and lay
my head back down. This time falling into a peaceful sleep.
Outside the moon shines brightly. The rain and
the wind have stopped and is now allowing the moon’s light to wash over us. Maybe my garden of thoughts was not merely
in my dreams as I had thought.
|
