Outside the Garden

I walk back into the darkened room and see you lying on the bed just as you had been when I left.

The storm has picked up outside, the wind is howling through the trees throwing waves against the windows and walls creating a constant deep drum-roll throughout the air inside. A branch is scratching against the window of your room, tapping and screeching against the glass. Flashes light up the sky outside and flicker through the blinds flooding the room with purple shades of bright white. Yellow light swings across the room illuminating dancing shadows on your walls.

I walk over to you on the bed, the smallest hum rides a sigh from between your softly clasped lips, a faint greeting as I approach.

I lean my hand down on the bed, sinking into the cushion a few inches. I lean across the bed, over your body, to see your face turned away towards the window.

Your eyes are closed and your face is calm. I pick up your glasses that have rolled from your hand at your side and place them higher on the bed. I then reach down and brush away a few strands of hair from your face running my finger tips softly across your cheek. Bending down I kiss your cheek softly so as not to wake you, and I wish to myself that you're dreaming sweetly. I watch you as you sleep peacefully, looking down at your beautiful face.

I wonder what you're dreaming, and for awhile I feel like I can see inside your dream, like somehow I can enter into with you.

I see you sitting at the base of a tree with delicate strands of leafy vine hanging down around you. You're thinking. I hear your thoughts within the dream. You're thinking of me; you're thinking about our love.

You're thinking about the problems we've had at times throughout our relationship, about times when you've said or done something by accident that bothered me but I didn't tell you. You always know when I'm unhappy, you can always tell. It sometimes takes awhile, but eventually you always ask enough so that I tell you what's wrong, but I know it bothers you that I won't just tell you right away. I know the feelings from those arguments linger in your mind. I want to tell you that the feelings linger in me too. I want you to know I'll listen, I don't want your thoughts and feeling trapped inside your mind, let them out and I'll listen, I promise.

I feel the hatred that burns inside you. You hate yourself for what you've said or done to upset me. I just want to cry out to you, "Please don't!" I love you for everything you are and I wouldn't have a single moment different in all out time together, you're perfect. You don't have to wonder what to say to make me happy, you say it. You don't have to wonder what to do to please me, you do it. And I will try to be better for you. I'll tell you the truth when I'm not okay, so you don't have to worry.

The rose, yes the rose, I see it flash across you mind, and your entire world turns deep red with loving passion. I gave you the rose to show you how badly I want you to be happy. I'll do whatever I can, I'll bring you a rose everyday if they're bad, I'll come to you every time you're upset, I'll be there to wipe away your tears when you're sad, I'll hold you when you're mad. Because I love you. I will make every night like the rose.

The red fades away and I open up my eyes and see your face, as a smile spreads softly across your lips.

I must have drifted away myself.

I lift my hand from the bed and softly slip it around your waist, just beneath the fabric of your shirt, feeling the warmth of your skin under my palm. I lower myself down onto the bed behind you, pressing my chest gently against your back. I hear a shiver in your breath and feel a trembling in you skin in my arms . The blanket has slipped down to your side in your sleep. I pull it up over you shoulder, hugging it to your body. You stir, and turn. I lift my arm so as not to hold you down. You turn to face me, but you're still asleep, so I drop my arm lightly back around your waist, bringing my fingers to rest on your lower back.

The rain outside slows, but the drops still fall heavy on the roof. Its cold, but I feel feel warm, laying down left to you on this night.

And I loose myself in thought.

I see you beneath a dim street lamp. Your makeup is heavy and you're wearing a knee high heeled boots, with fishnets webbing up around your legs high up to the fringes of you tiny tight skirt cut high and low in the right ways so that nothing is covered up until the littlest bit of a bikini top. You throw yourself at depressed men as they pass.

I can see your fear though.

You don't want this to be you, this is your fear. You're afraid because we've recently taken new steps in our relationship physically and you don't want that to define us. Even though its nice and you like it, you don't want to give the impression its important.

I have the same fear though, I'm afraid of making a move and giving the impression that all I want is the physical. But I'm just as afraid of not making the move when I should and disappointing you. I can't tell what you want, sometimes it seems like you're leaving me hints, but I'm afraid that's just my imagination and that they're really nothing. What's a joke, what's an invitation.

It doesn't matter, we both know it's not important, we're just afraid because we care so much. But we'll figure it out because its not important it never has been, what's important is that we love each other and I just want to make you happy. We don't need to fear.

I see you screaming without sound, apologizing for everything you've said and done. I feel you wishing you could take back everything.

I won't let you though. I won't let you take back a thing, not a thing. No, never, I won't let you. You have nothing to regret. Your impression is not what you fear. I know you love me, I trust you, and I love you too.

I hear the rain outside falling hard against the window.

I see the rain, it's falling against your face. You're beautiful dress is stained my the rain and dirt. Tears fall down and mix in with the raindrops striking your saddened face. It pains me to watch you there crying in the rain, all for me. I stretch desperately to wipe away your tears, but I can't reach you, I can't.

I hear your cries from inside your mind. I hear you screaming out that you don't want to give the wrong impression, you don't want to upset me, you don't want us to push each other away. Apologizing, apologizing, and telling me you love me and you want us to be happy.

You don't know I can hear you and it tears at you. I watch as your heart breaks and your soul sears in pain.

I hear you! I hear you! Please know that I hear you! It's okay, I know you love me, and I love you. Please just know that I hear you, I know!

My eyes open wide, I'm awake. I see your face, tears welling up inside your softly closed eyes and rolling down your cheek to soak into the pillow. I reach and cup your cheek in my palm, wiping your tears away with my thumb. I pull myself closer to you resting my forehead against yours, and I whisper.

I whisper to you the memories of when we had fun, trying to save you from the dream. When we went to the magic show and played in the snow and laughed at the little girl who hit you with a snowball. When we went to the movies and fought with popcorn, throwing it down each others shirts. When we took my sister to a movie and you two ganged up against me and we all laughed. When we spent hours doing nothing but lay in each others arms looking into each others eyes, knowing there is love there. When we parked out under the stars and I laid down against your chest just happy to have you, listening to your heart so I knew you were real and that your heart really did beat for me.